Nishmas – The Internal Conversation

 

If you read Nishmas in the context of somebody who had died and who then had been brought back to life twice on the day of the Revelation at Har Sinai, you will therefore really say in a very deep way, “Nishmas Kol Chai”, , My connection to my NeShama is going to be totally different if my Neshama leapt out of me twice today! So much joy and clarity and power of connection! So, I begin with Nishmas as someone who experienced twice the experience of your soul leaping out and then coming back in, twice!

 

And if our lips are truly as filled with song as the sea, and our tongues filled with joy as the waves, … right? If this was really so, we would not be able to … we wouldn't have been able to …. say, “Thank you”. And because this is so, therefore every mountain should thank you!  Every tongue should swear!  But wait -- didn’t we just say that this wouldn't work?  

 

So, let’s learn this, let’s read Nishmas as this internal conversation.

 

Did you ever have a time when you wanted to express your joy or praise or articulate an idea, and you just couldn’t find the right words with sufficient passion or clarity?  When you want to tell someone, to express to another human being, how much you appreciate them, how much you respect them, but …. it's so hard to say. And, so, you can't find the words. So, let's say I stand in front of the Almighty. Well, this is what I was experiencing on first day of Shavuos... I was standing in front of the Almighty and instead of saying Nishmas to Him, I was saying Nishmas …to me.  

 

On Shavuos our souls leapt up to be with G-d … twice … and Hashem kept putting our souls back.  And, you know my problem with having my soul put back? The problem is that I have no way to describe to anyone what that experience was like -- except to me! So, there are no words, there is no song, my tongue is not enough, my eyes are not enough, my hands are not enough … and, I wasn't saying all that to Hashem, I was saying it to me. And then basically I said, “but you know what? Hashem, You are the One who kept on putting my soul back in this body. You know, you could have made it a thinner, better looking, younger body… but, okay, … no complaints… but …”

 

Hashem, because You're the One who kept on putting my soul back in this body, therefore, "Kol Peh", Lichol Yodah, I am going to use my mouth to thank you. I'm going to use my tongue to swear by you. I'm going to use my eyes to look for you everywhere. I'm going to use my knees, etc, etc. That's the way I davened, on the second day of Shavuos, which was Shabbos, and in Israel, they were leining Parshas Naso – but here in chutz l’aretz, we weren't. …. So, I realize if I can learn to daven like this … meaning there's a part of my davening in which I'm paying attention to the things I want to say. And I'm thinking about my internal conversation that so that I can achieve that which I want to say…. And this changed my davening!

 

And I had to get rid of this stuff that was, you know, it's one thing to say I don't have the right words. But what if there's a part of me that says, “listen, guy, you don't deserve it”?

 

Does that voice have any part? That voice … the voice that says “you don’t deserve this” has to be sent out of the camp.

 

I can daven for that voice to be totally removed. The voice of the part of me that's not completely committed in this relationship to this prayer. That voice of my sense of inadequacy or because my relationship with G-d has elements of infidelity. That's "bishalichu Min Hamachane" (sending them out of the camp) I had to go through an internal process of identifying what are the internal voices that are stopping me, preventing me from having this internal conversation. 

 

I hope everyone is able to master a very clear, honest, and self-forgiving, internal conversation.

Comments by Machberes Avodas Hashem